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i've been writing a lot lately, (or so
it seems?) but there's just this one more thing I Have to write
about. I'm way too
excited. When I
was with Becca (when I did big bros big sis's- that program's kind of
retarded, btw) we were grocery shopping at Hy-Vee and I saw a random magazine
lying around and it turned out to be "Guitar World" with a special on
Kurt Cobain. so I just had to read it because I've always really liked
Nirvana. (although I didn't read it on the spot then, albeit Becca
went to the bathroom for a few minutes- I came back to Hy-Vee with Jade
yesterday).
I always
kind of figured there was more to Nirvana than just lyrics that didn't make
sense and a super talented melody. you can kind of feel the emotion,
eh. And I
was right. The lyrics come from various poems Kurt wrote, but
his poetry is very abstract, plus, I think the magazine mentioned that a song's lyrics may
come from several different poems. And I always kinda liked the
abstractness. It gave it more emotion I think than if
the songs were more scripted. Although some have more
of a point: Dumb's about a concussion (i had no idea) and In Bloom is
more obviously about fans.
ok let me get to
the point, which is Kurt Cobain. (I don't really care for the Foo
Fighters.... they're obviously a good band, but they could never
compare, in my opinion. they don't have Kurt's pain, sensitivity (shut it!) or talent. Kurt did
most of the work in Nirvana, apparently I read)
So then! Things I super like about Kurt (although he's dead now. shot
himself in the head with a gun apparently out of guilt. it's not totally clear
what he felt guilty about, but he never committed crimes or anything):
(1) He started a
relationship with Tobi Vail of the band Bikini Kill, a leader in the
radical feminist riot grrrl movement. He apparently took his
relationship seriously; by all accounts, he wasn't much of a casual
womanizer. He told Michael Azerrad that he'd slept with only two
women over the course of all Nirvana's touring. "I've always been
old-fashioned in that respect," he said. "I've always wanted a
girlfriend that I could have a good relationship with for a long time.
I wish I was capable of just playing the field, but I always wanted
more than that."
(2) [his
parents divorced when he was like 8 and it really tore him apart. he's
talking about his dad] "On the other hand, I didn't want to encourage
our relationship because I just didn't have anything to say to him. My
father is incapable of showing much affection, or even of carrying on a
conversation. I didn't want to have a relationship with him just
because he's my blood relative. It would bore me."
(3) [when questioned about another song] "I've
hardly ever written anything that obviously
personal."
(4)
"Aberdeen was nothing but rednecks and guns and booze... I was very isolated... I became antisocial. I started to understand
the reality of my surroundings, which didn't have a lot to offer.
Aberdeen was such a small town, and I couldn't find any friends that I
was very fond of, or who were compatible with me, or the things that I
liked to do... I was
so antisocial that I was almost insane. I felt so different and so
crazy that people just left me alone. I wouldn't have been surprised if
they had voted me Most Likely to Kill Everyone at a High School
Dance... I've gotten to the point where I've fantasized about it, but
I'm sure I would opt to kill myself first."
(5)
"It also helped open my eyes to what I didn't like about metal bands
like Aerosmith and Led Zeppelin. While I really did enjoy, and still do
enjoy, some of the melodies those bands have written, I suddently
realized I just didn't like their sexist attitudes- the way that they
just wrote about their dicks and having sex. That stuff bored me... I
could never find any good male friends, so I ended up hanging out
with the girls a lot, and I just felt that they weren't being treated
equally- they weren't treated with respect. I hated the way Aberdeen
treated women in general- they were just totally oppressed... But it
took me many years after the fact to realize those were the things that
were bothering me. I was just starting to understand what was pissing
me
off so much..."
(6)
he had a gay friend but his mom was homophobic and made him stop
hanging out with him but he's never experimented with the
same sex. Since then, he's been pro-homosexuality. "It was real
devastating because finally I'd found a male friend who I could
actually talk to and be affectionate with, and I was told I couldn't
hang out with him anymore. Around that same time, I was putting all the
pieces of the puzzle together. He played a big role in that."
(7)
he mentioned whenever speaking of Courtney Love that he loved her and
all that jazz. He seems like he spent time with his little girl, too
which is always a plus.
(8)
something else that made him want to just quit his band sometimes were
the rumors about him and Courtney and stuff. he took them to heart and
was really offended because he's actually very against the things that
the press sometimes said he did. (drugs does not fall under this
category)
(9)
And most of all, it meant so much to him to be real. Like not fake. He
spoke of how he tried to really appreciate the audience and everything
when he played, but it really killed him that he just wasn't liking it
anymore. He felt guilty and fake like it was just a show. [this was
written in his suicide note] (I didn't really like Courtney's
response. don't know about her so much)
(interesting- he'd throw his
lyrics together sometimes like seconds before doing the song. but
sometimes a few weeks, just mostly
not)
i wonder if he'd
care to have his shit here, and i'm guessing not since he was pretty
candid and revealed all that shit in an interview.
i also really liked
his suicide note. (as much as someone can like a suicide note)
So basically, this guy here cared about feminism, homosexuality
politics, and isolation. You gotta love
it. I
fucking love it when people give a damn about shit!
if you love it, you should take a modern art history course. Many
modern artists painted about prostitution and isolation and stuff. They
felt that France and shit was way corrupt. I would like to give
everyone I've written (even the nameless..) about a big big big big big
hug (except the Foo Fighters. *shrug*).
(apparently him and Vincent Van Gogh may have been bipolar. Van Gogh led a way sad life too. More sad i think)
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p.p.s. [i guess this is more directed to peter] In all due respect, we've managed to
learn how our bodies work. The reproductive system, energy, synapses,
hormones, genetics, etc. We've answered questions to how mountains are
formed, how Other species come to be. How the Earth started. Why
gravity is what it is and how light ions
work.
So really, do you expect me to believe that if we are able to answer
how the whole nebula deal came about that started the Big Bang, that
then you wouldn't believe in God? There is no limit to how many questions we can
answer. None at all. When we find out how the nebula came about, what
about the thing that made the nebula? And the thing that made
it? There
will be no end, and people of faith will never be satisfied with the
answers.
Just as, perhaps, on the
other side of the coin (not that there is more and more evidence
leading toward religion unlike the other way around), those who simply
can't quite buy the whole religion thing because the book just has so
many little dents in it, may never be
satisfied.
This is going Nowhere.
So perhaps I should just use this thing to talk about something
else. Like apples, or partying, or
how I just went to a good concert last night. ya know?
But just so you know, you
can't say say that it's too complicated or amazing to find out how
mountains work, or trees or fish or most other smaller
animals. And soon, you won't be able to
say that it's too hard or something to find out how humans work. Ok,
I'm repeating myself. Just realize
that since Intelligent Design offers no answers or systematic process
of getting them, it has NO place in science. It's a belief,
unlike science, which
proves.
lol- I bet scientists were banging their heads against walls when the
first Christians told them, "Oh yeah, well where'd the NEBULA come from
then?" Although honestly, good
point. Where the hell did it come from.
p.s. btw- i'm not saying that you are the person i was talking about in
the other paragraph at all. i was just explaining why i'm skeptical i
spose. in case there was any confusion..
Thank you very much for answering my questions. I am definitely not
dead-set in my beliefs. I do, however, have a few more questions: If
God could forgive our sins before, and He did, then what did the people
need Jesus for? (not to be rude, I just never fully understood his
role) Also, the definition of a "messiah" is someone who is a
liberator, or one who brings people to salvation. How did he fulfill
his task? It seems to me that people nowadays are just as corrupt as
they were before, if not even more so- so I never fully understood what
good he did overall, other than bring upon the world Christianity. And
if this is the only good he did, how is it necessarily a good thing? If
people seem to be just as corrupt now as they were before with or
without Christianity.
And
thank you for explaining to me how it's not that God is vain why he
wants Himself glorified to the point that that is supposedly why he
created humans. It's quite a relief!
Also, you brought up a VERY good point about the thing about evolution,
and how if we came from bacteria, we would have no value and no real
meaning of life. However, I would much rather accept this if I believe
it to be true than to try to force myself to believe in something that
I don't honestly believe in only to make me feel better. So I would
LOVE to believe in God, (for the support alone!! much less many other
positive aspects) but I'm not the kind of person who can do so blindly.
I love knowing exactly what I believe in and why. It makes me feel like
I am staying true to myself, and it makes me feel more real, than if I
were to base my personality on a concept that I didn't fully understand
and thus was so holey to me that it could fall apart at any time. I
love being able to stand up for what I believe in and intelligently
defending and articulating exactly what I'm all about. Otherwise, I'd
feel like a
preppy, ditsy idiot who wants to make a good impression (either to her friends or her God) and who doesn't
care to take the time to find out who she really is because that is not
something that may matter to her. I wouldn't want to
be just a follower of some idea cause it's easiest and feels the best.
If I am a follower of this idea, I want to understand it so well that I
could have come up with it myself. I may have evolved from bacteria,
but at least I have dignity and depth to this bacteria-produced body.
At least I am Aware that I am produced by bacteria! But no- you may be
right. I haven't made up my mind.
And I definitely don't feel
like you FORCE your beliefs on me! Mainly because you listen to what I
have to say, you don't shut me out completely and preach your beliefs
on my eyes.
p.s.
also- perhaps when we get through the basics, we could discuss the
origins of the religion? I find it fascinating (according to the
Discovery Channel) how Jesus was an illigitimate child that Mary had
with another man. However, she did end up marrying a different guy and
had 6 other children with him- Jesus's two half-sisters and four
half-brothers.
I also found it fascinating when the religious Christian geneticist
described exactly how inprobable it would have been anyway, had experts
not stumbled upon the truth, that Mary had had Jesus with no sexual
intercourse. Apparently, not only is it unbelievably rare in the animal
world, it is practically impossible with humans because humans actually
do the whole intercourse thing. (plus we all know that sperm cannot
live outside the body at all) Another thing, is that if this DOES
happen, I didn't understand why, but he said it has to be female. (ok, i guess i should say almost always,
but yeah. it has to be)
And that's why you gotta have faith! If you know what you
believe, and you can back it up, you go girl! [although it's harder to
back up religion cause there isn't a whole lot of evidence. so people
should keep that in mind including myself i spose]
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| uh, on second thought- sry for the profanity.... when i have time maybe
i'll go back and take it out. i kinda feel less passionate about it now
that i wrote about it- so the profanity's not really so necessary.
you evolved from bacteria. where did
bacteria come from? They know, you know. like when you leave mac n
cheese out it gets moldy. just
like how they know fish evolved from bacteria. and they
know how other animals evolved from fish and amphibians.
and other animals from those
animals. but us? Almighty human
come from that, too? no never- our brain power is too large or we're
too moral or something. yeah
whatever. maybe, just
maybe, you're not fucking
special. maybe, just maybe,
there isn't a god looking out for you. maybe, just maybe, if
someone's life sucks, it just fucking sucks.
and if someone got lucky, it's all
luck. in
fact, it pisses me off [but not really] when people say that life is
planned, or that
that's the way it was meant to
be. have your mother and
father die and watch your sisters die and see how you feel when some
asshole tells you that god wanted it that
way. You're no fucking chosen one just because you were raised in some
fucking Suburbia where you wouldn't know pain, degredation, or
hopelessness if it slapped you across the face. You're fucking
lucky, your no better than all those women in Iraq, or those disabled
children. Life's not
fair. Fucking suck it
up. but don't you dare go around with your nose in the air as if you
deserve it. [cough kharma cough]you're lucky, that's
all. (plus,
it's incredibly irresponsible. i know this older woman named Ann
(there's no way anyone would know her) who is a complete loser, is
unmarried and bitches about it, has a horrible job
etc. you think she can't get off her
ass? she probably tells herself- well, that's
the way it was meant to
be.
fuck no. and if some woman in Iraq is beaten and beaten till she dies,
there is no fucking way that is the way it was meant to be for
her. and even if it WAS-
like- if god DID exist and he randomly chose his victims, you've got to
believe it was chosen unfairly. you can't say you had something good
about you and she had something bad about her that made him choose her
as his
victim.)
and parents whose children die- that's the way it was meant to
be? you were supposed to learn something from
this? then why didn't other parents- what- they already
Know?
Fucking de de
dee.
[redundant: i obviously think kharma is bullshit. someone can go
through their entire life it being shit, and some snot-nosed brat can
have their life be perfect as far as they can tell, doing nothing
wrong, nothing right, or all wrong, all right.]
but
people want to believe it. they want to believe that it'll be okay no
matter what. that if they die today, it's okay, cause they'll die in
good
hands. or that they don't have to worry about children in kazbakhstan
cause god has it alll figured out.
so they take whatever coincidental examples of "kharma" and God that
they can and try to use it as
proof. hell, i'd love
to believe it. i'd love to just not
die. but that's so
unfair. how
come I'm the one born with 10 fingers and toes with no real brain
damage with no divorce in my family and i am not beaten? How come I am
the one whose parents can afford
KU?
I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. i am
luckay.
but what about the woman who never did anything wrong who was always
beaten? what-
kharma?
what-
God?
"but shanee, then how did the big bang start?" so your argument
is a question that if there is no answer to, there must be a god?
because we always knew the answer to everything like that atoms are NOT
the smallest things? (50 yrs ago we ripped them open and shit flew out.
very basically :D) Or we were always capable of cloning and knowing how
the reproductive system worked and very complicated mathematics and
physics? So just cause your in a rush to find out, you want to answer
that question already by saying "god"? Maybe we'll find out
later. if you don't know, you just don't know. [that and
actually, i think we know now anyway. we've been studying other nebulae
that started out like the big bang and stuff. but you could ALWAYS be
like yeah well where'd the nebulae come from. yeah but where did THAT
come from etc)
Also, most
people that are not born religious don't end up religious. Most people
that are born a certain religion stay that certain
religion. this is sooo
biaaased!!! wow-
what a coincidence, the hard core religion that you believe so strongly
about is the one you were raised with. if you were raised with a
different hard core religion you would be that. So basically, you
could've been Buddhist and it wouldn't matter. it's not like you took out some hard core time to learn about the possibilities.
but hey
man, i Super don't care. this is all opinion coming from my head. plus hey, for some, it gives them a hobby and friends. :D
i was walking on campus
today and some lady at a pro-life stand gave me a lollipop. she gave
me a small flier with my lollipop. i KNEW there was a catch!
abortion. i
always figured that one of the hardest things for me in terms of having
a family would be when to stop. I want two kids, but i think that i may
always wonder what the 3rd woulda been like and how much more he/she
would add to the family. and 4th. and 5th. how much
i'm missing out. my parents were supposed to have had 4 kids, but
they skipped the one that was supposed to be 3 yrs older than me. my
sisters 9 yrs older, bro, 6, then the other, then
me. and i wonder how life would've
been different. who i was missing out
on.
but jesus fucking CHRIST, people! You can't go around having a fucking
million kids just cause EVERYONE deserves to be
born! (you couldn't even make all who deserve to be born, born in your
power, because you will die before you reach infinity kids-- with
the same person, what about the 1464 kid? what would've HE been like?
And because to get all the combinations,
you have to have sex with everyone)
i dare say: if someone hasn't even lived a life yet, hasn't even
been born, fucking kill it then. it's just as if you
never had one at all. they didn't impact anyone, no one impacted them,
they don't even know what the hell is going on, they're not even alive,
they can't even live without the womb. they can't even THINK. so if you
kill ants, although they're a-fucking-live, you're a hypocrit. cause
fetuses can't think either. in fact, they can probably think even less
than ants, because they won't even understand to build a freaking
little fort thing and take food to the queen ant.
it's not alive any more than an ant is, and infact probably much much
less. fucking
kill it then, and that's my stance.
lata hosen.
Helen: yeah, I probably wouldn't
either, just cause i'd've probablyl bonded with it in my womb, cause
i'm weird like that and i really like small stupid animals, but if a
woman can't afford a kid, please, don't do that to him! and his bros
and sis's who will have even LESS to eat now or less of a chance to get
where they want to go since most likely that'll include
money. i know a lot more about the origins of
christianity that i should tell you
sometime. it's very eeeentersting in a
horribly i'd-like-it kind of a
way. but i really doubt
i should put it on here. if you think the abortion thing was
controversal..
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| wazzaaaap. waz crackalackin. waaaaazzzzz
hey. bitches, what the hell- i just asked you a
question.
answer it. answer it i say.
that
question's kinda hard to answer though for reals. cause it's all vague
and shit. i'm a pimpsta. ANSWER IT I SAY (now that the pressures
on it's even harder, eh? eh eh
eh???) now
you can feel the wrath:
"hey man. what's
up?"
"nothin homes. what's going down."
"nothin." awkwarrrd...... "alright man,
catch ya
later."
SO DON'T ASK WHAT'S UP, and the awkward situation won't occur. or, even
worse:
"hey, what's up?" "oh man, i just took a test i
wasn't ready for cause my mom just died and my dog got run
over and i just found out i'm dying slowly of carnivorous
syphillous." awkwarrrrrd.....
"oh.... ummm.... alright man, c ya later"
what's up? i'll tell you what's FRIGGIN up,
homes. YOUR MOTHER. YOUR MOTHER and I were
doing it in your bed last night. and then shit got freaky with your
pets. all of them.
i'm just joking. it's just
that i get asked what's up like 4876047264960783627648650976 times
a day and i'm sick of the awkwarrrrrrd... "ok man.... c ya later. "
people should just be like, "yo. HIGH FIVE BITCH!" then i'd be
like "FUCK YEAH HIGH FIVE" then we'd high five and keep walking.
no awkward...... "alrighty then! well thanks for sharing...
yeah.... well, I gotta run! i have a test in 5 minutes. so, hehe,
yeah. That test in.... like a math class or
something. man. just uh, just kicking my ass.
So.... it's been
great. I'm uhhh.. Dude, I am So glad everything's fine with
you. Yeah. Shit- is that Brad Pitt?" running fast away. don't
look back, it creates an awkward tension with the eye contact.
------------------
I'm Just Kidding. Everyone says wassup. i say wassup. and you still didn't answer my wassap, biatch
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